Gift Wrapping Tips for Men

It’s that time of year, again. I don’t know who the original author on this is, but I got it from my friend, Larry (thanks, Larry!):

 

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas,
when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went to see the
baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, “presented unto Him
gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh.”

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an
important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention
of wrapping paper. If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have
said so. “And lo,? Matthew would have said, ?the gifts were inside
600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures
of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but
Mary saideth unto him, ‘Holdeth it, Joseph! That is nice paper! Saveth
it for next year!’ And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby
Jesus was much more interested in the paper than the frankincense.

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very
first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people
giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of
putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is
not just my opinion. This is a scientific fact based on a statistical
survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever
wraps a gift is “if it’s such a pathetic gift that I don’t want to be
there when the person sees it.”
The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of
principle, never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. “No one ever had
to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas,” Gene said. “They
were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs.”

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can
never quite completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck
of cards and put it in the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the
size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and
taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes
I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient
Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh’s body
would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping
paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane in it. My wife, like many
women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that
requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is
very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible,
my wife would wrap each individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies
that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am
presenting:

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the
recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can
claim that it’s myrrh.

* The editors of Woman’s Day magazine recently ran an item on how to
make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on plain white paper
using an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of
food coloring and liquid starch. Clearly, they are smoking crack.

* If you’re giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just
put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it.
This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky
recipient on Christmas morning:

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It’s a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It’s a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give,
or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time
of year, is that you save the receipt.

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