Know any Good Political Jokes? (Updated)
October 30, 2008 by Jenn Sierra
Filed under For Your Entertainment, zTab
Sometimes, you just need a laugh. The tension of this unprecedented political season has been incredible. And the countdown to November 4th is making a lot of us grumpy. Here’s a thread to relieve some of that tension by sharing a good laugh.
Fine print: Let’s keep the humor G or PG-13, and please refrain from sharing sexually-explicit or racist jokes because I’ll have to delete them, and I truly hate deleting comments. Let’s just keep it clean and fun. Thank you.
I’ll start:
“Are you excited and tired of the campaign? Excited and tired? One week to go. One week from today is the election. … We have the elections next week, and then the winner of that election meets Hillary in the finals.” –David Letterman
(Thanks for the bumper-sticker contribution, Victor Chabala, via Wild Bill)
UPDATE: The following cartoon was submitted by Maggie, from the Augusta Chronicle, by Rich McKee:
UPDATE: The following cartoons were submitted by Dean (original sources unknown).
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While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically
hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St.
Peter at the
entrance.
‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these
parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’
‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.
‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll
do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you
can choose where to spend eternity.’
‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’20says the
senator.
‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator
and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself
in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a
clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other
politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in
evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce
about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster,
caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises…
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where
St. Peter is waiting for him.
‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented
souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone
by and St. Peter returns.
‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day20in hell and another in heaven.
Now choose your eternity.’
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in hell.’
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash
and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the senator. ‘Yesterday I was
here
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look
miserable. What happened?’
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were
campaigning…… Today you voted.’
Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, “What would you like to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Obama. “How about What Changes I Should Make To America?” and he smiles.
“OK,” she says. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don’t know Shit!!
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and
dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
‘I don’t know what to do here,’ says the devil. ‘You are on my
list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so
I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of folks here who
weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to
take their place.
I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.’
OJ thought that sounded pretty
good, so the devil opened the
door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of
water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over,
and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in
hell.
‘No,’ OJ said. ‘I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer, and I don’t
think I could do that all day long.’
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al
Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing
that hammer, time after time after time.
‘No, this is no good; I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would
be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,’
commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying
on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, ‘Yeah
man, I can handle this.’
The devil smiled and said . . . . . . .
‘OK, Monica, you’re free to go.’
From Ed’s Emails
Twas The Night Before The Elections
‘Twas the night before elections
And all through the town
Tempers were flaring
Emotions all up and down!
I, in my bathrobe
With a cat in my lap
Had cut off the TV
Tired of political crap.
When all of a sudden
There arose such a noise
I peered out of my window
Saw Obama and his boys
They had come for my wallet
They wanted my pay
To give to the others
Who had not worked a day!
He snatched up my money
And quick as a wink
Jumped back on his bandwagon
As I gagged from the stink
He then rallied his henchmen
Who were pulling his cart
I could tell they were out
To tear my country apart!
” On Fannie, on Freddie,
On Biden and Ayers!
On Acorn, On Pelosi”
He screamed at the pairs!
They took off for his cause
And as he flew out of sight
I heard him laugh at the nation
Who wouldn’t stand up and fight!
So I leave you to think
On this one final note-
IF YOU DONT WANT SOCIALISM
GET OUT AND VOTE
Late one night in Washington, D.C. a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
“Give me your money!” he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this. I’m a United States Congressman!”
“In that case,” replied the robber, “give me my money!”
— Related by Walter Block
The U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that there will be no Nativity scene in Washington D.C. this year. This has nothing to do with religion- it’s just that they can’t find 3 wise men and a virgin in the nation’s capital. However, there was no problem finding enough a$$es to fill the stable.
Oh those are great, I SO needed a laugh today. I love the tin foil had dog, so true.
I hope we are not crying come Wednesday morning!